


a single star in my sky

by Recluse



Category: Free!
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Internal Conflict, M/M, Set Directly After Episode 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 16:37:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15711129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Recluse/pseuds/Recluse
Summary: Easy to miss.





	a single star in my sky

“Who am I this time?” he said.

 _―_ Kurt Vonnegut, _Who Am I This Time?_

* * *

 _Ah,_ Hiyori thinks, _it’s none of my concern._

He sits down on the bottom of the slide.

His feet land in the sandbox.

Slowly, he nudges lumps of sand with his feet, ruining his shoes. A pile forms, dark and damp sand from underneath the dry top layer. It’s awkward and cracked, lumped together in such a way that it's pitiful.

Grains of sand gathers in between the cracks of his shoes, slipping inside, grit shuffling around against his feet. He doesn’t particularly care.

_None of your concern._

He looks up at the night sky.

 _Once upon a time,_ he thinks, but no story comes to mind. Not any he wants to think about, anyhow.

What is he supposed to do? How is he supposed to help? When all Ikuya sees and hears is the past, and a sky full of stars, wishes. How is he supposed to do anything against something like that?

Hiyori remembers being like that once. Hiyori remembers when he knew how to look at the sky and dream that way, when he had fanciful thoughts of being swept off his feet, when he could believe in things like wishes. When fairy tales held water he could sink into.

 _Ahh,_ something inside him says, _I want to swim._

He kicks his sand pile. Clumps of sand spray out, and suddenly he’s up and stomping the remains, over and over and over like a petulant child, like the child he is. He digs his heel into the grit and grinds, thinks in parallel lines, lanes in the pool. Divided carefully.

One.

 _Ikuya. Ikuya. Ikuya. Ikuya. Ikuya,_ **_Ikuya!_ ** _You’re strong! You’ve grown! All with your own power, you’ve grown_ _― nobody else did that for you! It’s your body, your ability, your drive, all of that is what’s taken you this far! Why can you not see it yourself, how far you’ve come already? Anything you want to be ― whatever you need to be to be happy―_

Two.

_Nanase, Nanase, Nanase, what’s so special about this Nanase? When all he does is swim a single stroke, and compared to you, it’s nothing. What does he have that you’re chasing, Ikuya? What do you think he has that you don’t? He’s holding you back in the past, Ikuya, open your eyes. Open your eyes and see that. All of your suffering because of him...All of your suffering for him._

Three.

_It’s none of your concern! I’ll think about myself, for myself. You don’t understand anything! Don’t talk like you do! I couldn’t become human. Even if I sink, no one’s going to save me anymore. I felt like all my wishes had come true. Like I had been set free._

Four.

_Do I matter to you at all? Can you even hear me?_

_What about me?_

 

 

 

_Me?_

He huffs a bitter laugh under his breath.

_Who is that?_

All his life he’s put on faces. One after another. The only time he’s ever understood himself is when he’s sunk deep into water and alone, yolk of an egg, or when he gets to forget, swimming, swimming, swimming until he can return to land and stand upright and act his way through everything, be whatever, do whatever.

 _The Little Mermaid_ used to be a story he read to himself. He admired her strength. He admired her love, and how she had given everything for it. He had admired her struggle as one of devotion, faithful to her love until her final moments.

He used to think that way.

He used to admire those things, those moments, those people, those tragic heroes, but all he can wonder now is if it’s worth it. If all the pain of walking on knives, voiceless, only to turn to sea foam ― isn’t that unfair? Isn’t that cruel? All she had done, and not a single thanks, just pain, just being _forgotten,_ turning to foamy white _―_

―all because of what. Because she had dared to love someone out of her reach? Because she had wanted even one more day? Because she thought he would be able to see who she was, as if he could when he had no idea who she was at all.

_Delusional, that’s what you are._

Who is he speaking to? The mermaid?

_You are not the little mermaid!_

Who had he been speaking to, then?

 _Ahh,_ something inside him says, _I want to swim._

“What,” he whispers, looking up at the empty sky, “do you need, Ikuya?”

If he could, he would be whatever for his sake. If he could keep Ikuya smiling in the way he used to, he would be whoever, be it friend or lover or _anything_ ―

―not that it matters, because Ikuya doesn’t see him. Doesn’t know.

Hiyori wonders if he’s ever really mattered to anyone at all.

Is he worth anything? To anyone?

_Well first, who are you?_

He looks down at his feet.

His shoes are filthy. He’ll have to clean them later, shake the sand out and wipe them down.

“Shit.” Hiyori mutters, rubbing his eyes. They’re not damp. He hasn’t cried in a very long time.

Tomorrow, he won’t call Ikuya in the morning. He’ll give him some time. When practice rolls around he’ll apologize, will say he’s sorry for being harsh, that he hadn’t meant to be. All night he’ll probably be up, thinking of how to speak words that Ikuya will be able to hear. All night he’ll be laying in his bed wondering if Ikuya’s doing the same, if he’s getting enough sleep, if he’s having nightmares, underwater bubbles.

He walks away. The sand under his feet shifts gently as he moves, though his mess is everywhere behind him, grooves and clumps and imprints.

A single star flickers, just bright enough to be seen.

Maybe a helicopter. Maybe a satellite.

Maybe just a long dead star, burning away. Turning to ash and drifting down, becoming one with sea foam.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm getting a strong feeling that this whole season is just going to be me writing a lot of Hiyori fic with the tag "character study" in it. Sorry there's not really a lot of shippy vibes, but as Hiyori only has eyes for Ikuya I feel it's kinda wrong not to tag it with the ship, aha? Ha? Er, apologies. 
> 
> This fic's title came from [this blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment ](https://twitter.com/AleishaDreams/status/1029905202160304134). To be honest I was thinking of using a Kafka on the Shore quote somehow, since I feel that hits into Hiyori's taste in books, but then I didn't have my copy and Vonnegut also feels like something Hiyori would like. I'm absolutely thrilled Hiyori is the kind of nerd who reads philosophical literature, I can finally take advantage of all the things I had to read in high school. [This is where I found Hiyori's taste in books in middle school, if you're wondering.](https://twitter.com/FairyTailHeaux/status/1029899656061444097)
> 
> This fic was a real stream of consciousness arrangement, mainly powered by me thinking about when Hiyori said: "But when I was in the water, I could feel who I really was in a way I couldn’t elsewhere". There's a wealth of something in that, or at least I'd like to think.
> 
> Feel free to ask questions if something confuses you or if you just want to talk about Hiyori. Thanks for reading.


End file.
